I lie awake

I lie awake and I wonder, 

wonder what is to come.

Where do I belong in this world?

How am I to honor my highest, my truest self?

 

I am a girl, that’s who I am.

Sometimes I call myself a woman.

Finding my way, dancing my dance,

swaying with the currents the universe blows my way.

 

I laugh. 

I desire to cry, but it comes not.

What part of me is blocked?

What am I not facing?

I can question, continue on & on

Yet, I choose to stop.

myself will unlock as it is ready

 

For now. Well, for now I decide to be.

To be me in every situation, no matter the beings present,

no matter the circumstances,

no matter what might happen.

For living in might, in maybe, in limbo serves me not.

 

I am love.

I embody truth.

I am an inspiration.

 

Know what keeps me going, keeps me thriving?

You.

Yes, you.

The being who is taking the time to read this.

The being who opens their heart, their eyes, their ears to me.

Those of you who give me a chance,

But maybe even more so to those who do not.

For I do not give up.

Call me headstrong, call me stubborn

But know that I love you.

 

In the beginning there was love, forever there will be love.

I am love.

I am you..

Who are you?

My heart is pulling me, tugging me in ways I don’t understand. I’m 23 years old and am finally feeling like a woman, coming into this role. Standing up for myself, standing in who I am and not budging. Living my life for me, eradicating the old negative patterns of insecurities. Am doing a damn good job and sometimes forget to remind myself so.

I’m going through many changes right now, have been putting my body through many energetic shifts that I find I am finally releasing, letting go. Not trying to hold on or to control things. Realizing that we are all one, and love is imperative. Compassion, honesty, diligence. The path ahead is long, is hard, is winding. But that same path is beautiful, is one with much laughter, much love, much growth. Many realizations.

I’ve been recently asked to define what spiritual quality I would like to exude to others. What vibe, what message is my aura, my body language, my being, my ‘self’ showing the world. The world around me, the beings who cross my path, the ones I communicate with whether it be verbally, energetically, anything really.

I was given examples of love, of peace, of empowerment. While all those are powerful aspirations, I’ve come up with inspiration. For me inspiration encompasses love, peace, empowerment and much more. My goal is to be an inspiration for all. I’m on my path, on my journey and finding my way. I truly jumped on about 3 months ago and my experiences have been beautiful. The lessons learned are many and continue to come on a daily basis. I realize how much there is to learn, to do, to experience on this Earthwalk, on this journey.

I wish to inspire others to be themselves. Their true selves. Really not caring what others think.

Dancing in the front row at concerts, laughing out loud, saying the quirky things that are on your mind, finding a deep rooted belief in your being and owning it.

I am setting the intent to inspire my‘self’ to be an inspiration to others. To show the world that we can have it all. That we can function on this planet, be inexplicably happy, while still facing reality.

This week I went through something that was very hard but through the work I’ve done on myself, the understandings I’ve come to, the people I’ve surrounded myself with I was able to work through it and get out of it rather quickly. I’m so proud of who I am, I truly love myself and my wish is for everyone to feel this deep rooted love for their very being.

I am love. I am peace. I am a sense of empowerment. I am woman. I am light. I am an inspiration. What are you?



Wake up!

 

Haha. I can’t help but laugh, but chuckle as I glimpse at some of my old writings. I say old, but merely a month and a half ago.

I’m impressed.

Very impressed, very pleased with myself. I can directly point the growth I’ve come into by stepping up. Facing that which was bothering me and dealing with it. Within the past 6 weeks I’ve lived out in nature and learned many a lesson. I attended a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. I’ve healed myself in South Padre. Spirit has blessed me with beautiful human beings surrounding me. Spirit has blessed me with beautiful spirits surrounding me. I’ve stepped up to the plate, am answering the call, not questioning, just flowing through life. Taking each day for what it is, striving to live in the present moment, with-in reality.

As I’m sitting here, typing, I feel this sensation come over my body. A blissful sensation, a natural high. I feel my thighs on the chair, I pay attention to the feelings of the keys from the keyboard on my fingertips, I notice the strength of my back holding my posture upright, I feel the hair pulled up in a messy bun on the top of my head, I feel the breath coming into my nostrils, I feel the warmth of my heart, the glow of my energy, I feel me, I feel Angelique and I tell myself Hi. I tell myself how much I love me. I feel honored, blessed to be me, and I couldn’t imagine being any different. I love my quirks, I love my insecurities for I am healing them. I am facing them, I sense the challenge and I LOVE it.

Learning how to deal with me. Understanding why I feel down when I do so and realizing that life comes in waves. 

Realize that we will not be perfectly happy at every moment and be ok with it, for this is perfectly normal. We are HUMAN. We are complex beings. Yet, it is realizing that when we feel inadequate, unhappy, insecure, this is a direct sign that growth is just around the corner.. if you want it to be.

We manifest our reality. We manifest our life. Realize this. Don’t blame others for the place you are at, if you are angry with someone, look inside of yourself.

Face yourself.

Face. Yourself.

Face. Your. Self.

Be equanimous. Live in the present. Face reality, by feeling the sensations in your body. Not worrying over what happened a minute ago or what is to happen a second from now. Never give up. Always try your best, without caring what the outcome will be. For when you honestly try as best you can in any given situation, you will naturally be where you are meant to be.

Don’t take life so seriously. Love the moments. Create your own path, your own destiny. Follow your heart, allow it to guide your actions. FEEL, truly feel. Ahhhh just live.

Respect your body, respect human kind, respect our planet, Mother Earth, Pachamama. Allow your heart to sing its song of glory, of praise, of love. Breathe, remember that. Be, inter-be. Inter-be with all beings, both human and non.

Peace J  

Diving in

I’m going off on an adventure. One which will be different from any other I’ve taken. For it will be a true adventure of the self, where most of my time spent will be within the self, the internal self.  

You see, over the past two years I’ve experienced many changes, much growth. And I’ve now reached a point where it’s time for me to bring together all that I‘ve learned. I will be living on a friends land for an undetermined amount of time. There will be a few people close by but I will be spending the majority of my time alone. Journaling, swimming, painting, running, sleeping, praying, thinking, dreaming, dancing, living in a meditative state, allowing my creative energies to flow. I plan on facing all the questions I can think, truly asking myself and truly listening to myself. Finding my way.  

I’m coming into my sacred space, am preparing for this magical time to come. Am writing down that which I would like help with , that which I hold questions. I am excited for this time, for I know and feel that this is exactly what I am supposed to do. A new strength is what I will find, a new determination, a realization of what it is I am to do, of the next step, the next thought, or the next idea which will guide me further along my path.  

My phone will be off for at least two weeks so that I may free myself of possible distractions, possible setbacks. I realize there are some of you I haven’t called back or kept in contact with. My focus has been on growing and figuring things out lately. Promise I’ll call when the time is right J  

“So, what is it that you are doing?” you may still ask. My best explanation is not one of a direct response. I’m better with explaining feelings, emotions stirring inside. The lines ahead explain that which I’m coming into, where my focus will lay in a subconscious way, what I hope you will begin to believe for yourself, if you haven’t already..  

It’s enjoying this journey. Loving yourself and appreciating the times in which you can spend alone. Appreciating the time you spend in love, in happiness with those you care about. It’s embracing your insecurities and learning to be patient with yourself. In learning to love your quirks, and smirk at yourself. Truly enjoying your own company. It’s opening yourself to the miracles and signs Spirit sends you. It’s touching people’s lives by living out your truth. It’s knowing your truth, what it is you stand for. And it’s following through with this knowledge, being the bigger person in this world, taking that first step towards following your heart, your path, what God is leading you to, what Spirit is calling to you, what YOU desire to achieve.  

Putting yourself first in an unselfish way. Coming into or finding that balance, the balance which you love yourself. Where you know what is best for you and that encourages you to help out others in the best way you can. It’s feeling this deep pull from the very depths of your soul. Listening to music, and finding a passion in that moment. Leading you to that place you dream of living in. Helping it to become closer to reality than you could ever imagine. It’s finally realizing your way of teaching others. Seeing for the first time the depth of your work. The intelligence in which you hold, that you can honestly achieve anything you wish, anything you put your mind to. That you are a powerful being, you are special. You have the potential to change and to touch many, many lives. That you are someone well-respected and loved. That you are becoming the person you dream of being. The realization you are on your journey and there isn’t any getting off. You have released yourself to the will of the universe, to that which God, Yahweh, Allah, the Spirit, whomever has called you to. It’s the moment that you are on your path, and through this action you guide others to follow their true paths. It’s the hopeful domino effect. It’s never giving up. It’s keeping your positive outlook, no matter the obstacles. It’s the realization of the balance in life, that with good comes bad and with bad comes good. It’s the acceptance of the bad, but the relentless power to allow the good to shine through. And it is discovering all of this through the direct connection of your spiritual self.  

randomness

Singing in the rain.  First thought that came to mind as I’m sitting at work, waiting for 7:30 to come.  I’m going to Robert Plant’s concert tonight.  A friend from college, ha sounds so old and sophisticated, is in town for a few days and he invited me to this show.  I almost passed up the opportunity.. how silly of me!

Anyway singing in the rain. When I first arrived at work this afternoon, it was pouring down.  Funny how an unexpected thunderstorm quickly changes your day.  Students were walking into the studio with silly smiles.  To my excitement no one seemed upset by it.  I even spoke to one student who walked half a mile to get here and he said how he enjoyed the rain beating down on him.  And I was slightly jealous.  Well jealous is the completely wrong word for such an emotion, I could relate with him.  I guess I was a bit wistful.  For I love walking in the rain, skipping in the rain, twirling in circles in the rain, laughing in the rain.  I feel it’s one of natures gifts to us, and we far too often take it for granted. 

I notice that I don’t hear thunderstorms very much anymore.  They seem to have been more frequent in my childhood.  Maybe I just noticed them more or found them to be more majestic then.  But as I say this I beg to differ.  For over the past few months I’ve been truly embracing this majestic world we live in.  Truly embracing the heat, the cold, the sunshine, the shade, the humidity, the dryness, the light and the darkness, the everything 🙂

Life is changing before my very eyes.  I’m not sure where I’m being led, but boy am I enjoying this journey.  I’ve dealt with many internal demons.  Well, that seems a bit dramatic, internal struggles maybe?  Any who, I’ve dealt with things I didn’t even realize I had locked up inside.  I know there is more to come, but I am excited.  For it feels soo darn good to actually see my growth, to observe the different obstacles I’ve faced.

 Today my challenge you for is to actually come up with your own challenge.  You know your internal self better than I.  Deep down, well probably not even too far down, you know what you are not facing.  Take time for yourself, let it come up naturally.  I suggest meditation.  But meditation doesn’t have to be the traditional cross-legged upright posture, it can be running, singing, dancing, reading, writing; anything that brings out your inner light.  Anything that makes you smile, that relaxes you, that doesn’t harm your body, anything in which you truly enjoy.  Good day 🙂

self reflection

You ask me what’s my story, where do I belong?

“How am I to know?” is my first response.  “Where do I go? Where do I belong?”

It’s a tricky question you’ve asked me there. “Don’t you know my history, my history with decisions?  That I don’t always make them.  I listen to the influence of others.”

Again I hear your question, Who are you? Where do you belong?

Ok, so I guess I”ll think about your question.  “I’m a girl, that’s who I am, trying to find my way in this world.  With the best of intentions.”

 But is that enough?  Intention isn’t necessarily action, nor is an action even with the right intention the correct action to have been taken.

“But who determines the correct action?” I fireback.  “We follow and we listen to what we have been taught is correct.  But who has taught us?  Who has taught our teachers?  Who has taught our teachers teachers?  Just as I begin to question more and more you confuse me even more.   You ask me, ‘Where do you belong in this world?’ You expect so much of me. You expect me to know all of the answers and when I don’t you ask me another question.  Why are you so hard on me?”

“Is this a lesson to be learned? Or is this your way of having fun?”   Deep down… well deep down I know the answer.  You are preparing me.  You throw nothing my way I can’t handle.  I usually perform them with grace and ease.  But sometimes I question, when I feel life has thrown far too many curveballs; when I’m annoyed and feel confused where to turn.  But it’s ok, I sense you right here, teaching me.

Teaching me to realize that I am never alone.  That I only hurt myself when I feel so.  When I think of it, I feel your presence. I feel how special I am, I smirk at the fact that it took me so long to come back to you. I smirk because how many times have I done this before?  And I smirk again because I can only wonder how many more times this is to come.

three AM

I find myself awake at 3:00 this morning, and can’t seem to fall back asleep. Big day today. Isn’t everyday a big day lately? I’m growing and transitioning at an exciting rate. I’m nervous, anxious but am facing the unknown as best I can. Am hoping that I’m embracing it, am really trying to, really trying to enjoy the moments as they pass. I appreciate the fact that I’m awake at this time and am grateful to be truly present in this moment.

I recently visited Detroit, MI and while there I realized that I wasn’t present in most situations. That I lived in my own little protective bubble, my own world. I’d listen to others and be present, but I’d check out more often than I would check in. I fear many people do this, and it makes me nervous, for this is a bit disheartening. We struggle in this world, in this life. We struggle to find our true selves, to find where we belong; we seek happiness, we seek acceptance, we seek, we seek and we seek. Yet, if we are not fully present how can we find anything. For months, I’ve been repetitive in saying that we must accept the present moment for what it is. To truly be present. To truly love ourselves. And while I understood the surface meanings of the words I wrote, I didn’t fully understand them. I’m beginning to see the depths of these words, the different layers, and their importance. My question is, how do we get more people to think in this way?

I think of how much I’ve worked on my internal self, my external self, my entire being. And I know there are many who have not worked half, or even a quarter as hard as I. Which is fine, is completely normal. But my question, my goal, or my something is to think of a way to get them to pay attention, to realize the importance of working towards the self. Being the best person you can be, enjoying all that life has to offer in respect to Mother Earth. To change people’s mindset of only hippies loving nature, only tree huggers respecting our planet, only radicalists fighting for our rights.

I’ve begun the path of following my heart, finding my destiny, what I was put on this earth to do. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m more confident and sure of myself, and I continue to grow at ever increasing rates. Yet I hear rumors from my hometown. I find that people are close-minded, are wrapped up in their lives, in the latest gossip. Instead of asking me, they voice their ‘concerns‘ amongst each other, silently spreading rumors. I understand though, I understand how their minds work and I am not mad. I still love them, for I can see where they are coming from. And even though I realize this, my feelings are hurt. They are not hurt because of the untrue words that are being spoken, but for the mere fact that the words were spoken. How many other people are gossiped about. How many stories become far-fetched? How many ‘stories’ have I believed in the past? How many ‘stories’ have I passed, have I spread?

My wish is to change the opinions of others. Help them to find their selves internally. I understand the odds are against me, but I will not give up; I can not. For that is not me, not what I stand for.  Not who I’ve worked to become, who I am actively working to become. I believe in humanity. I truly do, and no matter how hard the task ahead of me may be, I’m already committed and there is no going back.  There isn’t enough time in our life, in this world to spend it being fake, to spend it worrying over the trivialities of others lives. The world we live in is far too magical, far too beautiful, far too inspiring to waste  it away in judgment.

Live for your soul. Ask yourself questions. Question our world and the way it functions. Allow any subconscious thoughts that come your way to surface.  Question. Question. Question.

I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone, and do something today that you wouldn’t normally allow yourself to do. Start up a conversation with a stranger, the guy standing behind you in whatever line you are in. Maybe sit down and write your true thoughts, with the knowledge that you can throw it away after without anyone else ever reading it. Walk outside with your shoes off, actually feeling the earth beneath your feet. Breathe in 10 deep breaths and breathe out 10 deep breaths. Or just simply do whatever comes to mind; it’s your life anyway.